What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 03:49
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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She found it foreign!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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I have no regrets .
But, we were locked up after school.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
When she asked me how she looked .
My life is so biszare .
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So whats the point in blame.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Can anyone or anything overthrow your belief in the Jewish God?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why did Donald Trump look so old during the debate?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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Ive learnt so much.
She married twice! .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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He resisted the act ,that day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
What did i know ?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Comes on , in middle age.
Would this be the day?
I think the readers, may guess!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I will be 64.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I waited trembling.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She wouldn,t have been !
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Put me off passion for life!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My family never makes their pension either.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But it wasn’t much.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was 9 years of age.
It was going to be , some day.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So, i spoilt her more .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I don,t even have a pension.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Was to survive, this bastard.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As i do to all so called friends.?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why did i forgive my father ?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I couldn’t, believe it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
All the time i was locked up.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was scared of men, in general
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I said to her
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And i lived it daily.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Especially a lifetime of it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But ive been too sick for many years..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We were not on the streets..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She loved him until the end.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We all went to grammer schools
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I write beautiful poetry .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Who then, do I blame.?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Im still living with it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He knew the spot.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She was in good health!
I could never make a relationship work though!
One cannot live in the past .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I never cut or harmed myself..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was seconnd youngest,
I was very sick at this time too.
This is soul school!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.